Burnout, Boundaries and The Power of “I’m Not Prepared To”: How a small shift in language helped me reclaim my voice, my boundaries, and my wellbeing.

Burnout is a term that comes up a lot at the moment, and people often perceive it as a breakdown. Having had burnout two years ago, it was not a sudden collapse but a gradual build-up over the years of taking on more and more while having less and less in the way of boundaries. 

A number of things had happened that year: a relationship breakdown; my son with special needs transitioning to college and adulthood – which meant endless meetings; then he was admitted to hospital with a heart condition; my other son was having tests and was away at university; and then… my dog died. 

This isn’t a sob story for the sake of it – it’s to explain how it happened to me, and how our daily lives cannot be put on hold; they are always simmering away in the background.

For the previous months, I had been designing and leading a leadership programme for a Ministry of Education, travelling, holding space for others, and navigating the demands of the Ministry team. Then December hit: winter bugs, and I got sick and couldn’t get out of bed for a week. I went to the doctor, who recommended time off work and counselling. 

I protested at first, saying I would be OK if she gave me some medicine, but she said that if I didn’t stop, I was not going to get better. So, I reluctantly signed off work and took the space. She also referred me to a counsellor she thought would be good to speak to. I’d been in counselling on and off for the last 10 years and took the advice, because I know it can be so helpful in pointing out the patterns we often cannot see.

 ‘You have burnout, Jo,’ said my counsellor.
‘I think I’ve just been sick, and it’s all got too much,’ I replied. ‘I think I’ll be OK once I get better. But I just can’t keep doing this.’ 
‘You can do it though, Jo, and you have been for years – but at what cost to your life and health?’

It became clear that I was constantly striving and trying to control everything: keeping going, taking on more responsibility, being flexible, and accepting conditions and demands around work and life that were not acceptable. 

I was no longer able to prioritise my own needs. In fact, I didn’t actually know what they were anymore. 

When she asked, ‘What do you need?’ I was silent. 

Then, ‘I just need to breathe.’

The Shift From “I Can’t” to “I’m Not Prepared To”

What I learned is that there is a difference between not being able to do something (‘I can’t’) and not being prepared to. 

It’s about knowing the conditions and circumstances under which you are prepared to accept things, and being clear about those before agreeing to anything. 

It is about voicing your needs and wants, especially around work. 

I started to see that my own flexibility and accommodation of others’ requirements meant I was not taking care of myself. I was people-pleasing (something I never thought I’d say out loud). 

It had been a slow-burn situation over several years: a habit of accommodating, saying yes when I wanted to say no, and over-flexing to meet others’ needs.

Reclaiming Agency

My counsellor asked me to think about the conditions for returning to work and what I was and was not prepared to accept – not the minimum, but a realistic picture of what would need to happen. So, I started testing it out, especially around the return-to-work process when some negotiation was involved. 

I was not prepared to continue delivering a programme without adequate support. 

I was not prepared to use my weekends to ‘recover’, as was suggested by the HR representative at the time. 

Suddenly, I started to feel my own sense of control, voice, and choice returning. I felt surer and clearer about what I needed and what I didn’t, what I was prepared to give, and certainly what I wasn’t. 

It started transforming not only how I was approaching work and others’ demands (at work and at home), but also how I felt about myself.

Why Language Matters

What I have realised is that saying ‘no’ leaves little room for movement. Saying ‘I can’t do this anymore…’ implicitly removes a sense of your own power and agency. 

However, saying ‘I am not prepared to…’ leaves room and takes back some control, grounding you in what you need and the conditions around that.

It is inherently empowering and puts the ball firmly in the court of the other person, rather than putting yourself under pressure to agree or not.

What I Now See in My Work

I now coach women, often a similar age to me, individually and through leadership development programmes. What I am seeing is that many women academics, in the UK and in overseas institutions, have porous boundaries. 

A couple of examples include WhatsApp being used as a primary means of communication, with an expectation in leadership roles of being on call 24 hours a day. I have been told of instances where women, who have families, receiving texts from their managers at 1am about meetings the next day. This is both expected and normalised. 

This is extreme, but there are many ways in which, as women, we accommodate others’ demands in the name of being a good colleague, a good leader, or helping - often at the expense of our own needs, while still juggling all those other demands bubbling in the background. 

Whilst is not unique to women; however, in the work I have been doing in leadership development, it is definitely having an impact on the wellbeing of women in higher education and beyond.

A Different Way Forward

Inevitably, there are times in a coaching session when the women in the space will say the same as I did: ‘I can’t do this anymore,’ or ‘I don’t want to do this anymore.’ I now use my own experience and share this perspective: 

“You have done this for years, you can do it – but at what cost?

“And whilst you can do it, what are you not prepared to keep doing?”

I explain that there is another way. 

We spend time looking at their needs, and the circumstances and conditions required for a healthy working life while caring for their wellbeing. They then go out and test putting into practice the phrase, ‘I am not prepared to…’ seeing how it feels to embody and say it out loud.

A Small Shift That Changes Everything

So, next time you are on the verge of thinking, ‘I can’t do this anymore,’ pause. 

Get some clarity on the conditions and circumstances, practise saying, 

‘I am not prepared to…’ 

See how that feels.

Adjust how you frame things and take back that power! 

I’d love to hear how it goes …

Joanne

Dr Joanne Coysh is an independent coach, facilitator and consultant working with leaders, organisations and women navigating change and trying to figure out what’s next. 

joanne@joanne.coysh.com